


Memory

by sonictrowel



Series: Long Night in the Blue House [67]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Romance, and a little more angst, just a huge wall of dialogue really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 10:18:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11484309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonictrowel/pseuds/sonictrowel
Summary: “How does this happen?” the Doctor asked.  “You’re… all over my lives, I’ve met you, so many times— I meet you, and then I forget you, and then I meet you again and we— oh.”“Doctor,” River said gently, “you’re blushing.”





	Memory

**Author's Note:**

> I literally just said I was going to save this chapter until I did another chapter each with the Ponds and the Doctor, but... I am incapable of sitting on something once I've written it, so here we are. It's a River double feature.
> 
> Thank you so, so, so, sooo much to everyone who's been commenting, you give me life and keep me going and make my day so very happy!

[Luna, 5189]

_Ignoring every voice in her head that told her this was trouble, she reached across the table and brushed her hand over his cheek before laying it against the side of his face, fingertips at his temple.  She’d told him who she was before, plenty of times.  Sometimes he even remembered the previous bits when she did.  Now she knew how to take the shortcut.  She’d just have to make sure he forgot it later._

_After today, she was going to take whatever gifts the universe offered her._

_His eyes grew wide as all the locks around her in his mind clicked open._

_“River?” he asked breathlessly._

_She beamed at him.  “Hello, sweetie.”_

 

“How does this happen?” the Doctor asked.  “You’re… all over my lives, I’ve met you, so many times— I meet you, and then I forget you, and then I meet you again and we— _oh.”_

“Doctor,” River said gently, “you’re blushing.”

“Well!  It’s just, I…”  He cleared his throat.  “Sorry— it really is _terribly_ rude of me to have forgotten that.”

“Mm, yes, it would be, if it were your fault.  This is just the way it has to be, sweetie.  For now.”

“I should tell you, I really don’t make a habit of—”

“Oh, I know.”  River allowed herself a satisfied smile.  “I’m special.”

“Yes, it would seem that you are,” he said, looking at her in wonder.  “It really hardly seems fair that I don’t get to remember you.”

“It’s not.”  She squeezed his hand, still clasped in hers.  “It’s never been fair.  But do you know what it is?”

“What?” he asked softly.

“Worth it.”

The distance between them had somehow shrunk during their brief conversation, both of them leaning close over her little kitchen table.

Much as River’s heart was in tatters, she couldn’t believe this gift had fallen into her lap.  She’d left him mere minutes ago, thinking it would be years, decades, millennia...  And here she was, in the midst of the most wonderful thing to come of their mixed-up lives: getting to fall in love all over again.

“This morning I thought I’d had the last cup of tea you’d be making me for a long while,” she said, half in a whisper, their faces inches apart.

“You were with me this morning, then?”

“I was with you until half an hour ago.”

“You don’t seem alright, River.  Is that my fault?”

“Oh, darling.  None of it’s your fault.  I just miss you.”  Her voice faltered at the end and she smiled weakly.

“Well,” he said, almost shyly, “here I am.”

She’d be a fool to not take that for the invitation it was.  

The kiss was hesitant and sweet, the Doctor clearly still getting his bearings with his newly recovered memories of her.  River parted her lips, just slightly, encouraging him but not pushing.  He gave a little sigh and pressed closer, and, oh, there he was.  Tender and warm and possessive at once, drawing her in deeper until her head swam with him and her spine tingled and a soft, melting heat spread through her chest.  Her Doctor, always the same where it counted.

She didn’t realise she was crying until his thumb was grazing her cheek, wiping her tears away as he slowly drew back.

“Are you quite sure it’s not my fault?” he asked with a wincing smile.

“Positive,” River said, sniffing and wiping her eyes.

“Will you tell me about it?”

“Can’t, I’m afraid.  Spoilers.”

“Oh.  I remember that word.”

“I bet you do.”

“I don’t like it.”

She grinned.  Their faces had drifted closer together again, close enough to touch.

“Doctor,” she sighed.

“Yes, River?”

“How about that tea?”

She felt the warmth of his breath on her face as he laughed.  They reluctantly leaned back into their seats.

“Now, tell me if I’m right…” he said as he poured her cup.  “Milk and two sugars?”

“See, sweetie?  You know me so well.”

“I’d like to.”

River surprised herself by laughing.  “Charmer.”

“I’m remembering some… _conversations,”_ he said as he slid her cup into her waiting hands.

She smiled at his inflection.  “Sounds like they were the good kind.”

“It seems to me that you might’ve suggested we were married.”

“Shouldn’t have done that.  You probably talked me into it.”

“The getting married or the telling me about it?”

She smiled again.  “The latter.”

“You needed no convincing of the former, then?”

“Oh, I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t say I’m wrong, either.”

“Hmm,” she hummed as she swallowed a sip of her tea.  _"You_ always were a quick one when it comes to these things.”

“And later I’m slow?”

“I’d go with ‘deliberately obtuse.’”

“Ouch.”

“Don’t worry, you grow out of it.  Eventually.”

“And grown-up me, he’s the one who made your tea this morning?”

River forced a smile and looked down at her teacup.

“Should I be concerned he’s going to come home at any minute and deck me?”

“Afraid not,” she said softly.

“I don’t suppose you can tell me why.”

“Doctor,” she said, meeting his gaze solemnly, “I can’t tell you what it means to me that you’re here.  Really.  But why _are_ you here?”

“Oh, well, I was invited.  Or, possibly, I invited myself.  The coordinates turned up in the time safe, so it was either me or my TARDIS.”

“Those are _two_ options…” River said under her breath.

“So, I guess it’s fair to say you weren’t expecting me.”

“You know what, actually, I was.  Just… not quite this soon.”

“And any idea what we’re meant to be doing?”

“Apparently, at some point it will involve saving the universe a couple of times and me teaching you the rumba.”

“Oh, really?” he asked, sounding pleased.  “Well, that’s got all the makings of a great Saturday.”

“I’m glad you think so,” she said with a little smirk.  “Not sure if it’s all in the same day, though.  And… I’m not sure that it’s this time.”

“Oh?  So what’s this time?”

River smiled sadly.  “Honey, I’m so happy to see you.  I truly am.  But I am so very, very tired.  I’ve had a long night.”

“Doing what, if I might ask?”

She bit her lip and quirked an eyebrow as she smiled at him.

“Oh.  And yet, the crying…?”

“You’re not dying or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.  It’s complicated.”

“I see.  No, actually, I don’t see at all.  But it’s you I’m worried about.”

“I’m not sure I’m up for any adventures today, sweetie," she said quietly, tracing idle patterns in the deep green velvet of his sleeve.

“Well, that’s alright," the Doctor replied, his eyes following the movement of her fingertip.  "Understandable.”

“I think maybe we should save them for next time.”

“And when you say next time…”

“Could be anywhere, anywhen.  I never know.”

“And in between, I’ll have to forget you again.”  The soft, mournful lilt in that voice of his was almost more than she could bear, after today.

“That’s the way it is, I’m afraid."

“I don’t much like the sound of that.”

She glanced up and offered him a wan smile.  “Neither do I, but it’s not up to me.”

“Well, I could… stay, a bit.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want you getting bored.”

“Bored?” he scoffed.  “With my mysterious future wife?  Unlikely.”

A real smile tugged at her lips.  “And if your mysterious future wife is sleeping?”

“Well, I’ll keep busy.  I see you’ve got lots of books.”

“Yes, they’ll keep you occupied for about an hour.”

“I can read the long way if I like.”

“And what then, Doctor?”

“I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

River heaved an exhausted sigh.  “Sweetie—”

“River,” he cut in, reaching for her hand again and lacing their fingers together.  “I’ve only just remembered you.  We’ve got all that together in the past and… it sounds like so much more in the future.  I can’t just walk away.”

“It’s too early, Doctor.  You’ll have to eventually.”

“Doesn’t have to be tonight.”

She smiled reluctantly.  Who was she kidding?  She didn’t have the will to resist.  

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he repeated, instantly brightening. “Well, my dear, what now?”

River’s lip quivered and she closed her eyes for a moment.  Blondie had been quick to pick up his longest-lived term of endearment for her, and every time she heard it from an early him, she was reminded all over again that it _was_ him.  Her Doctor.  Missing many pieces, to be sure, but she knew now, one of the core bits that never changed was that he loved her.  This young, he might not even be afraid of the word.  He had yet to see whatever happened to her on that ominous planet and start running from his future pain.

“I’m afraid you’ll need to give me some time to myself, honey.”  

She needed to hole up in her room and scream and cry her eyes out before she couldn’t hold it in any longer and started doing it right here in the kitchen.

“Anything I can do?”

“Why don’t you find us some dinner?  I think there’s takeaway menus over by the fridge.  I just need a bit.”

She slid back her chair and started to rise from the table, but the Doctor stood with her, still holding onto her hand.  He leaned into her and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to her lips.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, flashing her a slightly bashful smile, “suddenly I’ve all these memories of doing that…”

“And how do they compare to the real thing?”

He let out a little breath of laughter.  “They don’t.”

Absurdly, she felt herself flushing.  “Oh, Doctor,” River sighed, reaching up to cup his face.  “You know, one day, when you find out about me and the previous yous, you’ll always wonder how I kept managing it.  You have, on occasion, accused me of witchcraft.”

He laughed again, his bright eyes roaming over her face.  

“You should know,” she whispered, “it’s mutual.”

“Oh, well,” he replied, watching her with a look of fascinated delight.  “Good.”

“I’m going to have a lie-down.  I’m sure I won’t be more than a couple of hours.”

“Don’t sleep much either, do you?” he asked, watching her curiously.

River smiled as she turned toward her bedroom.  “Not without you.”

___

She collapsed into the bed with the curtains drawn and lights off, curling into herself and trying not to think about the empty space on his side.  He hadn’t spent that much time here, anyway.  And certainly never her sweet, grumpy Scot, with his gruff voice and his soft gaze, who learned to wear his hearts on his sleeve just to make her happy, who loved her so openly and fiercely that it took her breath away.  

Never their wonderful, miraculous girls.  

She’d been plunged back into her past, alone, without them.

Well, not alone.  Though considerably farther into the past, when it came to her handsome dandy.  She hadn’t been lying when she told the Doctor she didn’t miss Babyface; there was no reason to.  He wasn’t gone.  But these earlier versions, they weren’t finished yet.  Her young husband and her old husband both were missing.

She tried to puzzle out whether he’d sent himself here in the future to console her, or whether she’d done it to maintain the timelines, or whether the TARDIS had just been trying to be helpful.  If the message appeared in the time safe, it was likely one of the three.

She was so grateful for him, whatever the case might be.  Yes, she missed him terribly.  But he was still the Doctor, with so much of the man she’d always been hopelessly, madly in love with already inside him.  And for a few stolen moments, he was hers.

There was nothing, though, to ease the ache of where her little girl should be tucked into her arms.  Nothing but the knowledge that she would be safe and loved and cared for by the best people River knew.  That, though Athena had fallen prey to the same curse of being torn from her parents, she would still have family who loved her and she would never be lonely or manipulated or abused.

Knowing that was everything.  But it was still so very, very far from enough.

Finally, River let the grief pour out of her unrestrained.  There would be no living if she tried to hold it in.  

Once, she’d thought she had been all out of tears to cry.  Perhaps, if she could run out of them again, she’d be able to carry on.

When her eyes opened next, everything was dark and blurred about the edges.  She scrubbed at the tears that had dried onto her lashes, blinking to clear her vision.  She didn’t remember falling asleep, but she remembered crying herself hoarse and feeling like she’d never be able to stop.

The bed shifted slightly, and she saw a silhouette seated beside her, barely visible against the faint light coming through the crack of her bedroom door.

The Doctor stroked his hand soothingly over her hair.  River squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to let the tears start again at the aching familiarity of the gesture.

“Didn’t mean to… presume,” he began, quiet but slightly anxious.

“Doctor,” she croaked before he could go on, “you are always welcome in my bed.”

He was still for a few moments, as if considering, before he swung his legs up and laid down properly beside her.  River was helpless to resist, moving instantly toward his warmth and resting her head on his shoulder while his arm wrapped around her.

“I’ve always been rubbish at this part,” she said quietly.

“What part?”

“Would it be impolite of me to tell you I love you?”

She felt him swallowing, his hearts picking up pace.  “I… think, given the circumstances, that would be permissible.”

“I love you.”

The Doctor took her hand in his, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, before lifting it to his lips.

“I love you too, don’t I, River?” he finally asked, his deep voice soft and reverent.

River smiled and nuzzled against his chest.

“Yes, you do."

 

 

 


End file.
